Two years ago, I met a guy. Upon first impression, he is a goofy, kind person. He is intelligent, outgoing, and a man seeking the Lord. “We could be friends,” I thought.
Three months later, we were put on a team together. We were fast friends … there was no real “get-to-know-you” stage, just “I know you.” I found that my first impressions were true, but there was more to them. He’s the kind of goofy that invites other people outside of themselves to laugh with him. He loves people incredibly well, and seeks to intimately know the people God places in front of him. He is more than just intelligent, he is wise, and he uses both of those qualities to help those around him. He seeks the joy in life and brings others with him. He is an incredible leader and a patient teacher. He follows the Lord, in all of his actions, and continues to strive for righteousness despite the personal sacrifice that sometimes requires. If you know him, you know what I am talking about. If you do not, I am sorry. He is the life-altering kind of friend.
Through our many adventures, I learned new things in this month. He is a man of depth. If I had to describe him in one word to people, that is what I would choose – he is deep. He has depth of character, depth of emotion, depth of knowledge and wisdom. He seeks depth in his relationships and depth in his walk with God. I can talk with him for hours, simply exploring the depth and complexity of his mind. Things that are shallow are not satisfying to him, because he knows and believes that with God, there is more.
Around him, I was able to be myself completely. We could talk about anything. And I found a growing desire to invest in this friendship and see where God would take it.
A little over 13-months ago, this man asked me to be his girlfriend. We both felt that God was leading us to take our friendship to a new level. God wanted to walk us down a path together that would be challenging, full of growth, and hopefully, full of blessings.
“This is it. I found him,” I thought. I already loved him, for everything that he was. He was one of my best friends. So I walked forward, in the hopes that what was an incredible, life-giving, and deep friendship would become the love of my life, the relationship and marriage I have always prayed about.
Almost immediately, the road was difficult. Long-distance, both physically and emotionally, took its toll. I lost sight of my emotional boundaries and let go of the things I needed. I held on to an idea of what we could have, instead of investing in what we did have. I thought of the things God told me, the promises I thought He made, and said, “I’ll wait, God.” But walking down a path requires action, movement. All I did was stand paralyzed in fear. Fear of losing him. Fear of taking a wrong step. Fear of losing the promises I thought God had for me in our relationship.
Five months ago, God moved us to the same city. We were not looking for that step in our relationship – it came from God and the circumstances He was directing in our life. “This is the proof that he IS the one” I told myself. “This is what we need to put life back into our relationship.”
But despite his depth, what we had was often shallow. Despite the beautiful and deeply-rooted friendship that we had, our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend began wilting. It was not bearing fruit. We had moments where we were really good together. But, after the first couple months of our relationship, we lost the moments where we were right.
On the surface, it was all there. If you looked at us from the outside or at a list of the things we see and know and love about each other, you might wonder, as I often did, why this was not working. We felt deeply cared for, but not deeply loved, and this was distressing for both of us. We prayed. We did everything we knew to do. We tried to choose each other and love each other well. At some point, I quit being able to see a future because I could not see past the emotional exhaustion of the next day. People would look into our relationship and tell us how great we were, how they supported and prayed for us, how they looked up to us – and it felt like a lie. I think we both knew that God has more.
On January 1st, after 2 years of friendship and 13 months of dating, we broke up. He had the courage to say what we both know to be true. At this point, our paths separate. We move forward as friends – friends who care very much about each other – but just friends. It was the best way he knew how to love me, and I know that this is the best way I can love him. Because I do believe there is more.
That knowledge hasn’t made it easy. The last few weeks have been some of the hardest I can remember. I cried for 48 straight hours, and many times since then. I have felt shattered, attacked, and worthless. I have felt betrayed by God. I have lain in my floor, crying out for peace and understanding. How could we not be right? What happened to the initial spark the pushed us to pursue this? Was there more we should have done? Did we not hear correctly from God about where the relationship was going? Is this really the end of the path He laid out for us?
How do you get over the one who you thought was THE one? I don’t know yet. The only peace I have is in moving forward day by day. I have peace in continuing to rediscover what we had in friendship. I see the grace of God in that. Yes, our path looks very different now, but we are still on a path. I don’t know where it will lead, if or when it will end. All I know is that when I look behind me, I did everything I could to make it work. Looking ahead is still too hard. But I continue to follow God and put this on the altar, knowing that the ram might never come and our relationship might be sacrificed for good. I follow down this new and confusing path, one moment at a time, because I know that as long as I am following God, as lost as I feel, I am going the right direction.
But yesterday, for the first time in a while, I woke up feeling joy.
That man and I, what we had, it was good, but it was not right. I will never regret the last 13 months. I do love him, but it was not in the way I needed to for marriage. I care for him. He is still one of my best friends. I have learned and grown so much because of my relationship with him. He has been a support for me and walked with me through things that no one else has. Because of him, and the things we have been through, I am a better person, and will be a better girlfriend and wife one day.
What we had was good, but not right. God is right. I will cling to that truth. I will proclaim His goodness and nearness, even when I don’t feel it. Because no matter how I feel in this moment, I know that God’s truth remains intact. I may feel lost, abandoned, frustrated, and confused, but I have a God who can handle all of those feelings and still love me. My honesty does not threaten God’s truth.
He does still have promises for me. He still has promises for that man. Maybe our promises are not intertwined, but they are still the beautiful promises of a God who loves us in all the ways we need.
Today, I walk into a new season of letting God pursue, restore, and grow my heart. Today, I start to find myself again. Today, I have hope.
