I have been trying for over a week to put my experience in Guatemala into words, to encapsulate for my friends and supporters and myself exactly what God did during my 10 days overseas. If you want the day in and day out ministry and my team, then I recommend waiting for my ministry update newsletter. But if you want the nitty-gritty of what God did in and for me, this is the place.
Guatemala was, well, everything I needed it to be.
The weeks leading up to our Ambassador training camp on July 1st, I felt lost, disillusioned, overwhelmed, and confused. In actuality, I have felt that way for months. Living in Georgia, or anywhere in the United States, was never my long-term plan. When I moved here, I told myself it was temporary, but the life I was pursuing at that point made overseas living a weak and distant option at best. I shoved down my dreams and passions and pretended like the desire to travel and live overseas was a lovely memory – a faint possibility for the future, at best. As my friends would talk about and pursue the ministries we dreamed of together, I would laughingly say, “Well you have your stateside operator.” But my heart would ache in my chest, rebelling, and saying “That’s not the life you want. This is not where you want to be!”
The path I was following, I could have walked it out and served the Lord in it, all the while ignoring the dreams and words spoken over me. But that path wasn’t giving me life. I poured myself into it with nothing in return. There was no fruit for me. I was exhausted, I was beaten down and weary, emotionally ragged. I was confused by all the different things the Lord spoke to me. I was wounded. I spent hours questioning what my purpose was here and how long God expected me to sit still and endure the unknown.
With this demeanor and mindset, I entered my busiest season of the year. I had nearly 200 participants in my queue, plus their parents, and had to help 132 high schools students get to Georgia and then on the field successfully. My anxiety, masking all of the emotions I couldn’t face, took over. I could not sleep, for nightmares haunted me every time I closed my eyes. The workload never lightened. Social interactions became forced. I woke up everyday, exhausted before it even began. I was in survival mode, and I realized I had been for a while. Though I had initially embraced the healing and grieving process, I would only allow myself to go so far. Once I hit that wall, all there was to do was survive. The week before Ambassador training broke me. It was either choose back into growth and healing or I wouldn’t be able to survive much longer.
One tear-filled night, I called my counselor friend and she reassured me I wasn’t crazy, that I was trying to process the psychological equivalent of the 3 most important people in my life dying within one month. It was okay that I was NOT okay just 6 months later. And that my nightmares and anxiety were my brain fighting on my behalf, struggling to understand the huge shifts that happened in my life all at once. We dove under the blanket of emotion of anxiety, rooted out all the other emotions hiding under there, and invited the Lord into all the dark places I did not want to go. I could sleep again, but I still could not see past each day in front of me.
Ambassador training camp started and my 132 high school students were all here in Georgia. It was a relief, a triumph, and strangely like being a pseudo-celebrity. I had the opportunity to meet each of them, to laugh with them, and to teach them.
On Monday, we flew to Guatemala, just me, my 4 co-leaders, and my team of 25. I felt a shift as soon as we landed. As we drove away from the airport, tears filled my eyes. Despite the smog and pollution, I could breathe better than I had since December. In my journal, I wrote, It amazes me how quickly you can forget this – how “real life” becomes normal and you forget the things that make you feel alive. The love and passion and dreams I had been stifling for a year and half instantly sparked and began to fight their way back to the surface of my heart and mind. “You surrendered the wrong things,” God whispered. “I never asked you to sacrifice this.”
I still had reservations about the trip. With 25 students and just 2 weeks, how could we give them everything they needed? How could I build deep relationships with each of them? How could I help them debrief effectively and disciple them?
But God had a humbling but gentle reminder for me. He doesn’t need me. I am blessed beyond measure that He chooses to use me, but He doesn’t need me. I was always where I needed to be and who I needed to be with, I got to guide and give advice, I got to experience laughter and tears. But this team didn’t need me. They debriefed each other. They built beautiful relationships and loved each other well. They boldly stepped out in ministry. They sought after the Lord. They poured their hearts and energy into each day.They had their own deep conversations. And I had the privilege to watch it all happen and play a tiny role in the process. God hand-picked this team for me.
In my ten days in Guatemala, God did something amazing. He brought me back to life.
I started noticing changes. I could breathe deeply and walk lighter. I could hold my head up. I laughed easily. Joy became my companion instead of grief. I could see clearly. My relentless nightmares ceased and I could dream of the future again. I could see the things God had been rescuing and protecting me from, as well as hints of things He might be doing in the future. And I could be excited about those. I was reminded of all I had given up unnecessarily and was able to find those things again. I put down things I was not meant to carry. I could forgive and let go. I could say goodbye.
To be honest, I did not want to come home – to leave all the freedom that I found in Guatemala. As I sat at breakfast sipping coffee my last morning and walked the streets of Antigua alone, soaking in my final moments, I prayed God would seal it all in my heart, that the anxiety that was threatening my return home would not blanket anything again. He answered that prayer. I have carried it all back with me. Despite already facing difficult situations, I have been able to find life and joy. I am reinvesting in old relationships that will be life-giving and beautiful. I am finding myself again. I am still free – free to dance and laugh and dream. Free to have grace in the face of challenging situations, and to have grace given to me. Free to love well, including myself. Free to step forward out of this season.
I have no intention of leaving Georgia anytime soon, but I do know that it is not my home forever, just for now. I am so thankful to this place and it’s people for being with me every step of the journey for the past year. But I am also excited to be able to dream big again.
Look out world – I’m coming for you. Sooner rather than later.
