Fear of Commitment: from the perspective of a Christian Millennial

As my half-marathon training grows in vigor and length, listening to podcasts is my new combative measure to runner’s boredom. One topic I find fascinating is the study of generational differences – and there are no shortage of podcasts, research, and opinions on that matter.

As a Millennial, I often feel stuck in the ever-present “debate” about my generation. It seems easy to jump quickly into defense or denial. However, I want to actually speak INTO the beliefs about us, instead of picking them up as truth or shrugging them off without consideration.

In addition to podcasts, I have been listening to a sermon series from my church, and in two different sermons, the pastor mentions a recent statistic.

For the first time ever in the history of the American church, single people outnumber the married.

Now, I can’t confirm or deny that statistic, but I have no reason to believe he would lie.

My pastor seems to be particularly struck by this fact. He speaks about it in the context of commitment and a conclusion that many deduce about Millennials –

Millennials have a deep fear of commitment.

It is true that we are getting married later, are less likely to buy a house, and are more likely to transition jobs multiple times.

It is also true that I am 27, still single, living in a rented house with three other women, and that I am not working in the job field stated on my undergraduate degree.

However, I also own a car and a cat, have a strong desire to get married and build a life, and recently started my third year at my current organization. I plan to stay until God moves me forward. My former committed relationships yielded much wisdom and growth. My friendships span decades. I have seen the world and found the Lord, and myself. In that travel, I witnessed poverty, disease, and had my heart broken for entire nations. Through this, I gained a new perspective of humans, this planet, and the country I call home. I’ve had my adventure in the great wide somewhere that defies the life others planned for me. This is all preparing me for the lifelong decisions I am making about my career, relationships, personal life, and passions.

So when I hear this conclusion, that millennials are afraid of commitment, I immediately bristle.

I do not have a fear of commitment. I am capable of committing to things. I want to commit to things. 

I fear committing to the wrong thing.

I am afraid of being wrong.

Am I incorrect in believing I am not alone in that?

As millennials, we grew up in a world where the right answer is expected and the wrong one is punished with large red exes, lost points, and consequences. We were careful observers as marriage after marriage failed. We witnessed adults miserable in their jobs, struggling to make ends meet. My generation has seen buildings crashing down, the world fill with “enemies”, technology change overnight, and the economy fall apart.  

So when faced with commitment, we sometimes struggle to see anything longer-lasting than our fear.

How do I know that this man is the right man? Or this house is the right house? This job is the right job? How do I know that a month, a year, a decade from now, I won’t wake up and think “I made a terrible choice. I chose the wrong thing. I cannot take it back.”

So instead of choosing the wrong thing, some have chosen nothing.

And that is still a choice. That is still a commitment. It is not a fear of commitment, but a commitment to fear. It is a commitment devoid of faith and trust and growth and blessing.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.

2 Timothy 1:7

With very few exceptions, fear is not something people are born with. Fear is an adaptive behavior – one must learn it and choose it. Being scared by something may be a natural, survival instinct but we do not need fear to survive. People know some things are unwise or unsafe and avoid them without being afraid of them. When something scares us, we choose to continue to be afraid of it or to surrender that fear to the Lord and walk forward in faith. Submitting and committing to fear is a sin – it allows the spirit of fear from the enemy to enter our mind and our lives. It gives the enemy power over us.

Fear keeps us from the abundant life Christ died to give us. Left unchecked, fear will grow. As we wait for bad things to happen, we actually create an opening that allows them to do so. As we focus on fear, we cannot recognize or receive blessings. It keeps us from fulfilling our purpose and living in the promises of the Lord.

Fear is the opposite of faith. It cannot please God and keeps us from everything He wants for us.

Millennials – let us not commit to fear.

God isn’t trying to trick us or tempt us – that’s Satan. If there is a right or wrong answer, God is clear about it in His word. The only choice we have is to choose whether or not we obey Him.

But sometimes, He does give us options. We get to pick the path we take, the commitments we make.  What if, as long as we follow the Lord and submit our decisions to Him and the truth of His word, any choice He gives us will yield a good answer?  If He trusts us enough to give us a choice, He will honor the decision, already knowing what is to come. We just have to overcome fear and choose.

We do not serve a God of fear. He did not make us to be fearful. He made us full of the power, love, and self-discipline it will take to walk out any commitment we make.

How do we break this commitment to fear? How do we overcome the fear of choosing the wrong thing, so that we can commit to great and Godly things?

First, we have to recognize the fear and confess it. Find the root – what am I really afraid of? Where did that fear come from? Then seek healing in that area. Avoidance will not allow for growth, success, health, or freedom. Avoiding fear and anxiety can actually magnify them. I would propose that putting yourself in situations where you have to face the fear will help you overcome it – continually avoiding any choice involving commitment will never help you grow in your ability to commit to anything.

Next, we have to commit to faith.

“So commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these words of mine. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Teach them to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates, so that as long as the sky remains above the earth, you and your children may flourish in the land the Lord swore to give your ancestors.”

Deuteronomy 11:18-21

It is an active practice, to take every thought captive for Christ. But it is a practice that comes with a promise. Arm yourself with the Word – the double-edged sword of truth. When fear threatens, speak the fear out, give it to the Lord, and pursue faith. Post words of truth on your doorpost (read: social media), not words of fear and doubt. Recognize that we are not alone. You barely have to skim the Bible to find some reference to the Lord being greater than the spirit of fear – Perfect love drives out fear, we fear no evil, be strong and courageous, of whom shall we fear and be afraid? Choosing faith means committing to His truth before and beyond what we feel.

So maybe you’re reading this and you’re trying to decide if you should stay in your job, marry the person you’re dating, put down roots, or buy that house. Maybe the commitment you are considering has a much shorter life. In either scenario, the process is similar.

Ask the Lord what He says about the situation – allow Him to speak into it and then do what He says.

And if He says choose, know that He trusts you with the choice, so you cannot choose the wrong thing.

I’m not promising an easy road – and the Lord doesn’t promise that either. But that commitment made and honored before the Lord, that commitment to faith – will yield a much higher reward than a commitment to fear ever could.

Lord, I am sorry that I have let fear impact my decisions. I repent for allowing the spirit of fear into my life. I confess that I have allowed the habits and practices of the world around me form my decisions just as much, if not more, than the things you tell me. I repent for committing to fear instead of committing to faith and trust in you and your word.

Today, I commit to trust. I commit to following where the You lead, even if it doesn’t make sense to others. I commit to believing you have my best intentions in mind and trusting that I hear from you. I commit to looking into my future without fear, but with an unshakeable faith.